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Sunday, November 2, 2008

Helpful Tips in Answer to tough questions

Question: I went with an exorcist for a bit. I just want to know really practical things, do you hold someone possessed by the devil?"

Answer: Tip 1.

Start with plain black gym pants emblazoned with the adage, "Flake Off", in sparkles. on your ass. A little gentle flower-like snowflake beside it is also a nice fashion touch. A lot of the ministers really go for it. Be firm, and don't be afraid to protrude once in a while, like a real ass, instead of just a little dawnkey. Then begin, carefully, to do a passable fox trot by yourself in the living room. Hold your arms up - but not beside your ears, like a goof. People will mistake you for a flower, or a tree, if they are partially blind, when shooting. This could be helpful, in certain conditions, but not in others, so store that away for later. Sway gently, unless you have had a hip replacement. Don't undo some very fine work just because you have too much "petal pride" to try another dance move, but avoid the "full body twirl" if you've been known to hit your head a lot. You may fall down, and have to be a rock. This involves a lot of patience in a major production, but is kind of tiring - sort of like guarding a dumpster for three days, in the pouring rain: helpful work, but one involving real self discipline.

2. Question: How do you recover from a tricky moment of possible embarassment?

Tip 2. Learn the quip.

Example: During attendance at a knitting class, I once actually knit my one hand TO the needles, accidentally, for instance.
I almost had to go to special class for crafters, because all the ladies thought I might be retarded, or "challenged", to use the modern, kinder term, (in terms of pattern retention), when I held up my hand - which had suddenly become a webbed wonder with spikes sticking out of it, in a universal message of peace, rather like a very thin alien.
I told them, ( rather drolly, I thought ) that I was "practicing to be a spider", in my own self defence. They looked confused, but I raised my self esteem tremendously, without any prior training, or insulting anyone.
One lady said very quietly, afterwards, that she had peed a little bit when I said it, but had managed mightily not to laugh out loud, in case my feelings got hurt, and I left the class, and did I think that that was all right in mixed company, as long as no one else knew about it? She didn't want to tell her daughter, in case she was accidentally mistaken for a really old person, who couldn't hold their maybe, their late nineties, or something. She had just turned eighty.

Later, considering my possible failure in this area of womanhood - and one which I value, too, along with a wellmade quilt, which can cost hundreds of dollars - I thought, in a moment of expansive inclusiveness, that hunting, too, could very well include stabbing the meat with knitting needles wound to your hand, if only a technique could be invented for it - while staying busy, God forbid - and wearing a glowing flack jacket in the pitch dark, in case a truck ran you over.

Irrelevancy wasn't my only talent. It was clear knowledge that I had baited both of my brother's hooks with crayfish, in the past. Then they invented gummie bears, and my shortlived career was over. Weird damned fish. Made you want to buy a quilt, and fall asleep, after a good meal of homemade pizza....with, well...maybe a few long as they hadn't been stabbed first.

More later! I'm tired.