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Saturday, May 30, 2009

Why Women Love The Zohan : a short list.

1. He's out of date stylewise, too. And yet, somehow, it's just...okay!

2. He admits you will have to pay for your own meal, but he'll dance around it naked first. He will then joke that normally you would expect to be whoring yourself in this way. You will agree, and not care. Then you will both eat dinner. He will feel a bit silly, sitting there cross legged on the floor, with the napking covering his Mr. Winky, so as not to be disconcerting, or cause you to stare impolitely.

3. The man will screw anything, whilst vigourously avoiding disease....and this is just the myriad of cabinets. Imagine what he could do with an actual HAMMER, and a decent set of don't you feel silly? (It's just really not the same, when you have to explain the damned jokes, is it? Sigh...)

At any rate, getting back to the rest of it....this will concern you, somewhat, temporarily, but you will not engage in it, yourself, so it will simply be a "brush with greatness" moment. This is, after all, a mission to him, to bring happiness to women, and instills a sense of real hope, particularly if you have been called frigid because you abstain from anal sex. He will tell you that you are a unique person, that he will give you head, instead, and not to worry. Then he will massage your scalp vigourously - just in case you misunderstood, or became confused at the language issue, which he has difficulty with, occasionally. Your brain will be revived and refreshed. You will not develop rosacea, or experience momentary prestroke syndrome. The way he strokes your right ear will cause you to "feel the wet fuzzy" in your nether regions. You will tell no one, but know you, too, have joined the "Fuzz Balls." You will smile secretly, at nothing at all, often, after that.

4. Doing dishes will invite sexy possibilities. A man who makes housework sexually enticing is really kind of God-like. Well, Dr. Ruth-like, anyway - and the sooner you get it over with, the better...right? Wait: this is how it usually is....did we get on the wrong track, with this one? Medic.....

5. You will imagine him as Gumby. This is odd, but really kind of thrilling.....

6. Tomorrow, you will add to this list. You have become too numb for words, presently, what with all the sudden sweating, and the paper bag over your head to stop the hiccups...but clean hippy good looks make you feel twenty again, dammit....BREATHE!!!!

My Retarded Social Development

(Stage Direction for Reading Aloud)..."assume a soft, intimate, almost secretive voice while saying this, and include the reader, as ...oh...almost a confidante, really..... Begin by taking a long breath, and close, serious, and committed attention to the gift of God that is literature's road map indicator: punctuation, in all of its rapturous stops and starts. And....go:"

Confessor (don't actually say this, and start again, if you did. This is the character's name, in a play.) :

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, there comes a time in every middle aged woman's life - who has realized, with clanging clarity, that her RRSP fund sucks the boner - or, worse yet, has flown into space with the sadness egg called "I have no life" - when she feels an overwhelming desire, (having been abandoned by both sanity and any known human being who can speak in full sentences)to run screaming into the street, yelling madly of thrilling ends to heretofore steamily imagined sexual encounters.

(Some, over a long period of time, even. Bugger! No offense to those who might assume that it would alway be both thrilling AND successful. Also, no offense to those who actually consider plebean activities like...oh...getting a job, for instance. read the previous bracketed words out loud, but not this part, as its meant to explain the concept of an intimate aside...ahem. Also, don't SAY ahem, just kind of cough, instead.)

And I thought the glamourous world of scrap metal recycling security had people breathing heavily.....where HAVE I been?

Yet another sadly realized example of my retarded social progress, I fear...sigh.(don't say this last word, just actually DO it, in a way that does not provoke or expect any kind of sickening reaction like...pity, for example, which often pre empts vomiting.)

The end. (Don't actually say that last bit out loud.)